August 16, 2000
 
 
 
 

Is Al Gore Human? 

As I watch the donkeycrats prance and preen on TV and take credit for every good thing
that has happened in the world, the country, your town and on your block and blamed every
bad thing on those evil guys in the elephant suits, I am often struck by the thought that there
is something odd about our vice president.  He walks, talks and acts like a robot.  In fact he
bears a strong resemblance to Data, the android guy on Star Trek.  A comparison sheet:

Emotional make up:

Contrary to the public myth of Al as a Cigar store wooden Indian, he does display emotions.
There are four: Anger, Angst, Acrimony and Apathy.  Next time you seem him on the tube
giving one of his speeches, watch his face. Anger when he talks about "BIG" oil, tobacco or
whatever.  Angst when he talks about his sister's death from lung cancer or about racism or the
environment.  Acrimony whenever he talks about Republicans or deflects criticism of Billy-bob;
and Apathy all the other times.  The weird part is that he puts these emotions on his face the
way a silent film actor puts on fear or surprise.  It's as if someone is flashing a cue card that says:
"Al, emotion #2A, someone's dog just died."  "Al, switch to 3A the dog is dead because of a
risky Republican scheme."

Data, on the other hand displays no emotion.  He is an android.  Strangely, his lack of discernible
emotion seems to have more depth than Al's big four.

Technical skill level:

Data IS the computer genius of the Enterprise, he can connect with every computer on his ship
and make running changes to the software and debug programs while feeding his cat and explaining
hyper-drive details to Jordie.

Gore reputedly is a technocrat.  He invented the Internet after all.  Curiously, he can't figure out
how to properly save his Emails.  He has also remained densely silent about all the information
that's been stolen from out weapons' labs by the Chinese.  You would have thought with his background
and experience in modern technology, he could have jumped into the breach and helped Bill
Richardson plug all the security leaks at Los Alamos.

Appearance:

Data has an Android's skin.  It is made of some kind of synthetic material.  They didn't do a very
good job of making his flesh look real.
 

Al, on the other hand, could easily pass as a human.  That is until you look closely at his face.  His
skin, while lifelike, has an eerie sort of color to it that never changes.  He never tans; he never loses
pigmentation after staying indoors all the time.  He never darkens when flushed or embarrassed.
Furthermore, his skin tone never seems to look "right" against whatever kind of clothes he's wearing.
Maybe that's why he keeps changing from suits to flannel shirts and back.

Basic Humanity:

Al was not the least bit embarrassed by Bill's goatlike behavior until he read some polls that indicated
he should be.  He blatantly exploited his sister's tragic death for political purposes.  He changes his
stand on critical issues like a chameleon changes its color.  When asked if a pregnant woman on death
row should be spared, at least until her child was born, he took a pass on the answer until he could
consult with his campaign advisors and then came up with the bizarre response that she should be
given the "choice" of whether or not she wanted an abortion before she died.  A 'woman's right to
choose' takes precedence he claims.  Does this sound human to you?

Data on the other hand wants to be a human being, and, while often puzzled by human behavior,
shows a surprising grasp of human emotions and considerations in his personal interactions with our species.

Summation:

Al vs Data.  Data vs Al.  Unfortunately, after pondering the differences, I still can't answer the question.
Al seems human in some ways, but so does Data.  It's a tough call.  Maybe I should apply for a government
grant to study this problem in more detail.  I've got to send a letter to my congressman, see you downtown..